[I wrote this One-Act during my freshman year at Lewis & Clark College in 2000. It was produced and perfomed on stage at Lewis & Clark College in 2001 and also for a production in Chicago, Illinois in 2002. It was published in Pause in 2001.]
TRUTHS, LIES, AND ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
By: Kristen Forbes
A bus station is simply conveyed using benches for the passengers to wait on and off-stage bus noises spread throughout the scene. SAMANTHA sits on a bench, gripping a large purse. LEN and KEN stand off to the corner of the stage, leaning in toward each other and whispering to one another. They glance at SAMANTHA repeatedly, continue whispering, then finally approach the bench where SAMANTHA sits. Throughout the scene, their tone is playful. SAMANTHA attempts to ignore LEN and KEN, not making eye contact with either.
LEN
Stars that have three names. Go.
KEN
Michael J. Fox!
LEN
J. is an initial. That doesn’t count.
KEN
Michael. J. Fox. That’s three separate words.
LEN
(to Samantha): Excuse me. Would you mind sharing your bench?
KEN
Sarah Jessica Parker!
LEN
Tiffany Amber Thiessan! It’s not as if it’s actually her bench, anyway. I don’t see her name anywhere on the bench. Of course, I don’t know what name I’d be looking for if there were to be a name, but I’m fairly certain that there are no names in the first place and therefore the bench belongs to nobody. It’s our bench. It’s for the entire community to share. You know, they probably invented the bench just so strangers could have the chance to meet each other. It’s the perfect conversation starter, really. Can I share your bench? Oh, and what’s your name? I mean, as long as we’re sharing benches and all. The perfect conversation starter.
KEN
Len!
LEN
Yeah, Ken?
KEN
You’re rambling.
LEN
Nonstop rambler, that Len. What a rambler. That’s my name, Len. Short for Leonard. I never liked being called Leonard, though. It reminds me of a leopard, which just brings to mind cheetahs and chimpanzees and elephants dueling it out in the middle of the jungle or something and God, I hate violence.
KEN
Violence is the worst.
LEN
The worst. Oh, this is Ken.
KEN
Short for Kenneth.
LEN
The name Kenneth sort of reminds me of spinach. You know?
KEN
Oh, so now I remind you of a vegetable?
LEN
No, not you yourself. Just your name and not even the name you go by. Your extended name, you know? Ken by itself is a fine name.
KEN
Popeye ate spinach.
LEN
See? And we’ve all seen the bulging biceps on that guy. Thank God for spinach. Without it, Popeye would be weak and useless. Of course, they use spinach as a metaphor. But still, it’s not such a bad thing to be compared to.
KEN
Spinach is a metaphor?
LEN
Yeah, Ken. It’s not actually spinach in those cans, you know? That’s just what they want the kiddies to think. Any adult who watches the show knows the truth. Have you ever sat down and watched an episo—
KEN
A: That’s not a metaphor. That’s just using one thing to represent something else. And B: You’re rambling again.
LEN
(to Samantha): So, where are you going? Home?
KEN
(to Len): Seems to have a lot on her mind.
LEN
I’m sure she doesn’t want to waste her time talking to a bunch of ramblers like us. And it probably wouldn’t help to talk to us, anyway. We’d just listen and be sympathetic and comforting and nobody wants that, right? Nobody wants to accept the fact that other people might actually be able to help and—
KEN
—Yeah, talking to strangers is the worst.
LEN
Sally Jesse Raphael! So, what’s on your mind, Stranger?
KEN
What are you, being her psychiatrist?
LEN
Psychiatrist! You know I’m a professional canine power jogger.
KEN
A professional canine power jogger? Len, you walk dogs. Say it with me:
“I walk dogs.”
LEN
Yeah, I walk dogs for a living. Just thought I’d add a little sparkle to my job description.
KEN
People don’t always appreciate sparkle. Sometimes they just want honesty.
LEN
Well, as long as we’re sharing the same bench and as long as we’ve told you our names, it seems only fair that you share the same piece of information about yourself.
KEN
Why are you talking like that? Just ask her what her name is!
SAMANTHA
If I tell you my name, will you go away?
LEN
Is that what you want? Maybe we could guess your name. Is it...Melissa Joan Hart?
KEN
Oh! Robert Downey Jr.!
LEN
The junior doesn’t count, Ken.
KEN
But it’s another name. If it weren’t for the junior, he’d just be Robert Downey and if he were just Robert Downey, he wouldn’t be a star with three names.
LEN
Do you think Robert Downey Jr. will ever get his due? A fine actor, despite all his problems. Don’t you think, Stranger?
KEN
Stop calling her Stranger!
LEN
Well, what am I supposed to call her? If she’s not going to tell us her name...
SAMANTHA
It’s Samantha, okay? My name is Samantha.
LEN
Your name’s Samantha? Oh, that makes so much sense.
SAMANTHA
What?
LEN
Well, it’s just that Samantha reminds me of bananas, which are good as fruit, but not as flavoring. I mean, banana candy is disgusting. And banana ice cream? That is the worst.
KEN
Len, did you remember your tokens?
LEN
My what?
KEN
For the bus?
LEN
Damn.
KEN
Every day, Len! One lousy fifteen-minute bus ride every day for the past three years and you still forget your tokens.
LEN
Ken, I’m sorry! I’ll go get some.
LEN exits. A few moments of silence. When KEN finally speaks, his character seems softer and toned down.
KEN
Sorry about that. God, I can only image how annoyed you must be right now. I think I let him get a little carried away sometimes.
SAMANTHA
(not looking at Ken): It’s not all him. I think you were doing your share, too.
KEN
Yeah, well, yeah. I’m sorry. (Long pause). So, you have a long bus ride?
SAMANTHA
(looking around, hoping the train is coming soon): Yeah. I have some...things I need to take care of.
KEN
Yeah, what kinds of things?
SAMANTHA
What is it about me?
KEN
I beg your pardon?
SAMANTHA
What is about me that would make you think I’m interested?
KEN
I was just being polite, making conversation. I’m sorry.
SAMANTHA
Is it the fact that I’m sitting here, by myself, not talking to anybody, obviously with my mind on other things, trying to seem completely uninterested in whatever it was that you and your little friend were talking about? Is that what tipped you off that I was in need of some unwanted conversation from two guys who can’t talk about anything besides elephants dueling in the jungle and the inherent goodness of Robert Downey Jr.? Is that what it was?
KEN
So...you were trying to seem uninterested? But you weren’t actually uninterested.
SAMANTHA
No, I was uninterested! I’m not interested!
KEN
What is it exactly that you’re not interested in?
SAMANTHA
You!
KEN looks hurt.
SAMANTHA
I mean, both of you! Whatever it is that you guys were talking about...whatever it is that you’re trying to do, I’m not interested.
KEN still looks hurt. Short pause. SAMANTHA sighs.
SAMANTHA
I didn’t mean to be...(sighs again, collects her thoughts): Listen, Ben. That didn’t come out right. It’s just that, well, today just isn’t the best day for me to be talking to strangers...to anyone. I really do have a lot on my mind and I’m sorry if...I have some things I need to take care of and...
KEN
My name’s not Ben.
SAMANTHA
Right, Len. Anyway, I didn’t mean to be rude. Just...don’t take it personally, okay? Because it’s not you. It’s just...it’s me, and my life...and everything seems kind of out of control right now...
KEN
It’s Ken. (Pause). I know what your problem is.
SAMANTHA
Excuse me?
KEN
You assume that to talk to people, you have to tell them the truth. But the thing is, I don’t need to hear the truth. You know when you said you weren’t interested in me?
SAMANTHA
Look, I said I was sorry.
KEN
Forget it. Point is, things like that...that’s what I’m used to. I’m always hearing exactly whatever it is that filters out of people’s minds, like when they tell me they’re not interested, or they’re not attracted, or they’re not intellectually challenged or sexually satisfied or, or whatever else it is they hate about me. And I’m sick of it. I’m so sick of the truth! Have you ever wanted to approach a random person and just start telling them lies? Haven’t you ever had any urges to be dishonest?
SAMANTHA
I guess I’ve never really thought about it.
KEN
Why can’t we sit here and have a normal conversation about all the things in our lives that aren’t real? I don’t want to sit here and tell you about my inadequacies and I’m sure you don’t want to tell me about your problems. Can’t we just play the game? Tell some lies? Make each other feel a little better about the exhilarating and magical things that could be, but aren’t?
Long pause.
SAMANTHA
I’ll play the game.
KEN
What?
SAMANTHA
I’ll tell you a lie.
KEN
You will?
SAMANTHA
Sure. I’ll tell you all about my exhilarating and magical life. Let’s see, where should I start? Oh, I’m getting married next summer.
KEN
Yeah?
SAMANTHA
He’s tall, dark, handsome. We met—
KEN
—At the laundromat.
SAMANTHA
The laundromat? That’s not very romantic.
KEN
The bus station?
SAMANTHA
We met at a party. He was wearing this green shirt that matched his eyes. We were both reaching for our drinks at the same time—
KEN
—And your hands accidentally touched—
SAMANTHA
—And we made eye contact. Those green eyes...
KEN
And then what happened?
SAMANTHA
Well, I’ll make a long story short. We’ve been together ever since and now we’re planning our wedding.
KEN looks at her hand.
KEN
Without a ring?
SAMANTHA
Would you stop interrupting? This is my lie!
KEN
Sorry.
SAMANTHA
Every Friday night, we go out for pasta. Sometimes, he gets off work early and goes to my apartment and cleans everything, top to bottom, for no reason. Can you believe that? That’s just the kind of guy he is. I’ve never met anyone like him.
KEN
You wouldn’t believe all of the nice things girls have done for me! Once, I was at work and this package arrived, on my desk, you know?
SAMANTHA
You work in an office?
KEN
Uh, yeah.
SAMANTHA
Okay, go on.
KEN
And this package arrived and I opened it and it was this huge basket of flowers.
SAMANTHA
They came in a wrapped package?
KEN
Damnit, let me tell the lie! And so it turned out that these flowers, and yes, they came in a wrapped package, because they weren’t just any flowers, but special flowers, wrapped flowers, you’re just jealous because you never got wrapped flowers...These flowers turned out to be from this girl named Jennifer. And see, Jennifer worked in the cubicle next to me...I mean, the desk next to me, since I’m the manager...I mean, the office next to me, since I’m the boss...and, Yeah, that’s who they were from.
SAMANTHA
And then what happened?
KEN
Then what happened? I just told you what happened! Jennifer, from the office next door, gave me wrapped flowers! And, and it was great. When are you getting married?
SAMANTHA
Nobody’s ever given you flowers.
KEN
Okay, so it was no green eyes lie, but I thought it was pretty good!
SAMANTHA reaches into her purse and hands KEN two red roses.
KEN
You carry fresh flowers around?
SAMANTHA
Not usually. Today’s a special day.
SAMANTHA seems suddenly overcome with grief.
KEN
Are you okay?
SAMANTHA
I’m not getting married next summer.
KEN
I know you’re not. And I didn’t get wrapped flowers either. I don’t even work in an office. I work at a car wash.
SAMANTHA
I’m sick of the lies. All I ever hear anymore is dishonesty.
KEN
It makes me feel better, dishonesty. The truth hurts too much.
SAMANTHA
I need the truth. Because he lied to me and...
KEN
Who lied to you?
LEN enters again, flashing his tokens to KEN and offering SAMANTHA some popcorn from a bag. KEN shoos him away and SAMANTHA declines the popcorn. LEN sit down between KEN and SAMANTHA.
LEN
What’s up with these lines? They’re insane! I must have been standing there for five minutes before I realized how hungry I was, so I went and bought some popcorn and by the time I got through that line, the token line had expanded to about twice its original size and so I got back into that line and it was just such a complete waste of my time and the whole time, you know what I was thinking about? I can’t believe we didn’t think of this before. Courtney Cox Arquette. But really, why would she have married that David guy, anyway? I mean, shouldn’t she be married to Matthew Perry or something? Now, I know what you’re thinking, I need to separate the show from reality, but come on, you’d have to admit they’d make a great couple. I mean, wow, did you see that episode when—
KEN
—Len!
LEN
What, Ken?
KEN
Maybe we could just, not talk. For awhile. Maybe we could be quiet until Samantha’s bus comes.
LEN
Lisa Marie Presley!
KEN
(to Samantha): Who lied to you?
LEN
Somebody lied to you?
KEN
Len!
LEN
What, Ken?
KEN
Would you get me some popcorn?
LEN
You can have this one.
KEN
And something to drink! And a hot dog! Here, here’s ten bucks.
LEN
But I have to go wait in line again!
KEN
Please, Len? I’m reeeeeally hungry all of a sudden.
LEN
Fine, Ken. Who does everything for everybody else? Len, that’s who. Who takes care of everything? Len. Len, do this. Len, do that...
LEN’S voice drifts away as he walks offstage.
KEN
Who lied to you?
SAMANTHA
Nobody. It was just part of my lie.
KEN
I know. (Pause). What did he lie to you about?
SAMANTHA
It was nothing. He told me he’d meet me at the restaurant at eight.
KEN
What’s this guy’s name anyway?
Pause.
SAMANTHA
It’s Scott. Why?
KEN
I was just wondering. That name sort of reminds me of cotton balls.
SAMANTHA
So, he told me to be there at eight. It was our anniversary and I wanted it to be special. I wore this black dress he always liked—
KEN
—And you really took the time to get ready. The way that girls do on nights like that, with their hair up and their lipstick just right and some perfume—
SAMANTHA
—Right. The perfume he gave me. I was there at 7:45—
KEN
—And when the clock turned to 8:00, you thought he must be in traffic—
SAMANTHA
—But when the clock struck nine—
KEN
—You knew he’d stood you up.
SAMANTHA
By the time it was ten, I’d been sitting there for three hours, alone in that restaurant...just sitting there, looking like a fool.
LEN enters again, shoving food at KEN and carrying a newspaper.
LEN
Well, I hope you’re satisfied. That line was even longer than the first one. Whatever happened to Lisa Marie Presley, anyway?
LEN unfolds the newspaper and reads. He delivers his next few lines over the top of the newspaper.
KEN
She married Michael Jackson.
LEN
But after they divorced, what happened to her? And whatever happened to Elvis?
KEN
Elvis is dead, my friend.
LEN
That’s all in your head, Ken. So, Samantha, who was it that lied to you? Was it...Michael Jackson?
SAMANTHA
What? No.
KEN
(to Samantha): So, he never showed up?
SAMANTHA
No. He told me we’d be together forever, then he doesn’t show up for our anniversary dinner.
LEN
Why would you want to be together with Michael Jackson forever?
KEN
Guys have a way of stretching the truth a little when it comes to talking about the length of the future of a relationship.
LEN
(Growing increasingly excited, eventually dropping the paper and standing): Yeah, definitely don’t believe that one. And don’t believe it when he says he loves you for the first time and he’s watching the game the same time the words are coming out of his mouth. There you are, sitting on the couch, eating chips and the best batch of guacamole you’ve ever made, and all of a sudden you can’t take it anymore and you blurt it out, you say, “I love you!” And you can’t wait for him to say it back but first he grabs for another chip and he’s got guacamole in the corner of his mouth and he’s flipping the channels and it’s halftime and the cheerleaders are doing their routine and you know he still has all this pent-up bitterness about not making the cheerleading squad like ten years ago and he mumbles something, and it kind of sounds like “I love you too” and you’re too stupid to realize he’s lying to your face and you haven’t noticed yet how annoying it is that he wears the same shirt every Tuesday, and you don’t even like that shirt, but you don’t realize it until you’re way further in the relationship and finally you get to the point where you can’t stand the sight of that raggedy striped shirt that just clings to him because every time he washes it—which isn’t really that often—it gets a little smaller and a little tighter and frankly he does not have the muscles in the pectorial region to warrant wearing a tight shirt, and finally you work up the nerve to say, “I hate that stupid shirt and I hate Tuesdays and I hate you and I never want to see you again!”
Long pause.
LEN
Damnit, I can’t think of any more stars with three names.
KEN
Stars with the same first and last initials.
LEN
Oh, oh! Parker Posey!
KEN
(to Samantha): What happened next?
SAMANTHA
He never showed up. I was sitting at that stupid restaurant and I’d worked through a bottle of merlot and I wanted to scream. And then I went home and I did scream—at the walls, at the air, I screamed, “I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!” And...and, Rene Russo!
LEN
Michael Jackson cheated on you with Rene Russo?
KEN
Shut up, Len. Did he show up at your apartment that night?
SAMANTHA
No.
KEN
Did he call the next day?
SAMANTHA
No.
KEN
Well, what happened? You just...never talked to him again?
SAMANTHA
No.
LEN
Janis Joplin!
KEN
Len, shut up. Janis Joplin is dead.
LEN
So?
KEN
He must have had some excuse...a lie, even. Something. I’m sure if you’d called him a few days later and—
SAMANTHA
—No. It was over.
LEN
Just like that, huh? Then you and Michael were no more?
SAMANTHA
Michael? No, his name was Scott.
LEN
I thought we were talking about Michael Jackson! People, can we focus on one topic here? Who the hell is Scott? And why...why does that name remind me of cotton balls?
KEN
We should kill this Scott guy for you.
SAMANTHA
That won’t be necessary.
LEN
I wanted to kill Jason when I ran into him outside a Taco Bell and he was wearing that ridiculous shirt. I would have killed him, if I’d been brave enough.
Long pause.
KEN
That was one hell of a lie, Samantha. You made me feel a lot better about my pathetic life.
LEN
Tina Turner!
SAMANTHA
If only it were a lie...
LEN
Did you guys hear that one? It was so good! I said, “Tina Turner!” Did you guys hear?
KEN
I think the game’s over, Len.
LEN
Oh.
KEN
What do you mean, “If only it were a lie”?
SAMANTHA
Nothing. I should check on my bus.
LEN
You know, Samantha. We had a conference over there. A huddle, if you will.
KEN
Len, shut up!
LEN
What? It’s true! Ken looked at you and said, “Check her out. Bet she’s got a story to tell.” Because it’s this thing he does, getting stories out of people to glorify his own life...only the thing is, he doesn’t usually do it with like, good looking girls like you. Usually it’s the the old gray-haired woman with the scraggle tooth or the crazy dude with a handle bar mustache. So I thought maybe there was something different about you. And I said, “Do it. Go talk to her. Get her story.” And Ken freaked out...he said you were too hot—
KEN
—Shut up, Len!
LEN
And I said, “You know what? She is too hot. And she’ll probably never waste her time talking to you. But it’s worth a shot, isn’t it? I mean, you haven’t gotten laid in at least a year—
KEN
—Shut the hell up, Len!
SAMANTHA
Look, I really need to go check on my bus. I really have to...I’ll see you guys around.
SAMANTHA rises from the bench and walks away. KEN looks ready to kill LEN.
LEN
Wow, dodged a bullet on that one.
KEN
What?
LEN
What, you didn’t get that totally weird vibe from her? We’ve got to start being more selective about who we talk to at the bus station, Ken. There are some real weirdos out there.
KEN
I thought she was really sweet. I thought she was—
LEN
—Okay, back to me. The point is, the point is...
LEN has picked up the paper and become engrossed, losing his train of thought for a moment. Finally he looks up from the paper.
LEN
Ken.
KEN
What, Len?
LEN
KEN!
KEN
WHAT, LEN?
LEN
Ken, look at this!
KEN
What?
LEN points to something in the newspaper. KEN reads out loud.
KEN
Thursday, 10:55 PM...Died of a single gunshot wound to the chest...Scott Lewis.
Long pause.
KEN
You don’t think that’s...
LEN
What did she tell you?
KEN
Nothing. We were just making up lies.
LEN
Did she you tell you this Scott guy’s last name?
KEN
He was a fictitious character!
LEN
Right. So you’re trying to tell me that this Samantha girl, that she’s, that she’s...
SAMANTHA re-enters.
LEN
...Back.
SAMANTHA
I missed my bus. I was talking to you guys for so long...
KEN
I’m sorry. I know you had something, uh, important to attend to...right?
SAMANTHA
Yeah, well, I can catch the next one.
KEN
So what was it, exactly, that you said you had to take care of again?
SAMANTHA
Oh, nothing. I mean, I don’t want to bore you with it. I think my lies are more interesting than my truths.
KEN
Really? Because I’d actually be very interested to know—
LEN
—So Samantha, did you think of any more stars with the same first and last initial?
SAMANTHA
Um, well. I hadn’t really thought about it in the two minutes since I last saw you.
LEN
Well, this is a fast-paced game. You should try to keep up.
KEN
So, what was Scott’s last name?
LEN
Ken, shut up!
KEN
Go ahead, Samantha, enlighten us. What was his last name?
Long pause.
SAMANTHA
McCaughnahay.
KEN
Scott McCaughnahay?
SAMANTHA
What? No. That actor—what’s his first name? Michael? He was in that one movie—
LEN
—Matthew!
SAMANTHA
Yeah! Matthew McCaugnahay.
LEN
Good one!
KEN
Isn’t that your next bus?
SAMANTHA
Oh, yeah. That didn’t take long. All right, well, for real this time...
KEN
Bye Samantha.
LEN
Take care.
SAMANTHA leaves again. LEN and KEN sit in silence for a few moments.
LEN
Geez, you had to be all pushy about it. Couldn’t just let it drop, could you?
KEN
Do you think it was true?
LEN
What?
KEN
The lie. I mean, do you think it was really the truth? Or was it just part of the game?
LEN
Isn’t life a game?
KEN
Shut up, Len. I’m serious.
LEN
So am I. Whether she was making that stuff up or whether she was with that Scott Lewis guy...it doesn’t matter. Aren’t we all just walking this fine line that somehow exists halfway between honesty and dishonesty? It’s like the more we struggle against the truth, the more we become part of the lie, and vice versa...until eventually, there is no truth. And there are no lies. There’s just...darkness.
KEN
Wow, when you put it like that—
LEN
—I mean, there you are, sitting in the jungle with your pet elephant, snacking on bananas and spinach, daydreaming about Robert Downey Jr., and all of a sudden it just hits you, this sense of darkness. You know?
KEN
Len, as usual, I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. But I’m going to let it go this time because I’m too exhausted to make fun of you anymore.
LEN
Fair enough.
Long pause.
LEN
So, Matthew McCaughnahay. Do you think...
KEN
Forget it, Len. Out of your league.
Lights fade out and scene ends.
LEN
Fine, Ken. Who does everything for everybody else? Len, that’s who. Who takes care of everything? Len. Len, do this. Len, do that...
LEN’S voice drifts away as he walks offstage.
KEN
Who lied to you?
SAMANTHA
Nobody. It was just part of my lie.
KEN
I know. (Pause). What did he lie to you about?
SAMANTHA
It was nothing. He told me he’d meet me at the restaurant at eight.
KEN
What’s this guy’s name anyway?
Pause.
SAMANTHA
It’s Scott. Why?
KEN
I was just wondering. That name sort of reminds me of cotton balls.
SAMANTHA
So, he told me to be there at eight. It was our anniversary and I wanted it to be special. I wore this black dress he always liked—
KEN
—And you really took the time to get ready. The way that girls do on nights like that, with their hair up and their lipstick just right and some perfume—
SAMANTHA
—Right. The perfume he gave me. I was there at 7:45—
KEN
—And when the clock turned to 8:00, you thought he must be in traffic—
SAMANTHA
—But when the clock struck nine—
KEN
—You knew he’d stood you up.
SAMANTHA
By the time it was ten, I’d been sitting there for three hours, alone in that restaurant...just sitting there, looking like a fool.
LEN enters again, shoving food at KEN and carrying a newspaper.
LEN
Well, I hope you’re satisfied. That line was even longer than the first one. Whatever happened to Lisa Marie Presley, anyway?
LEN unfolds the newspaper and reads. He delivers his next few lines over the top of the newspaper.
KEN
She married Michael Jackson.
LEN
But after they divorced, what happened to her? And whatever happened to Elvis?
KEN
Elvis is dead, my friend.
LEN
That’s all in your head, Ken. So, Samantha, who was it that lied to you? Was it...Michael Jackson?
SAMANTHA
What? No.
KEN
(to Samantha): So, he never showed up?
SAMANTHA
No. He told me we’d be together forever, then he doesn’t show up for our anniversary dinner.
LEN
Why would you want to be together with Michael Jackson forever?
KEN
Guys have a way of stretching the truth a little when it comes to talking about the length of the future of a relationship.
LEN
(Growing increasingly excited, eventually dropping the paper and standing): Yeah, definitely don’t believe that one. And don’t believe it when he says he loves you for the first time and he’s watching the game the same time the words are coming out of his mouth. There you are, sitting on the couch, eating chips and the best batch of guacamole you’ve ever made, and all of a sudden you can’t take it anymore and you blurt it out, you say, “I love you!” And you can’t wait for him to say it back but first he grabs for another chip and he’s got guacamole in the corner of his mouth and he’s flipping the channels and it’s halftime and the cheerleaders are doing their routine and you know he still has all this pent-up bitterness about not making the cheerleading squad like ten years ago and he mumbles something, and it kind of sounds like “I love you too” and you’re too stupid to realize he’s lying to your face and you haven’t noticed yet how annoying it is that he wears the same shirt every Tuesday, and you don’t even like that shirt, but you don’t realize it until you’re way further in the relationship and finally you get to the point where you can’t stand the sight of that raggedy striped shirt that just clings to him because every time he washes it—which isn’t really that often—it gets a little smaller and a little tighter and frankly he does not have the muscles in the pectorial region to warrant wearing a tight shirt, and finally you work up the nerve to say, “I hate that stupid shirt and I hate Tuesdays and I hate you and I never want to see you again!”
Long pause.
LEN
Damnit, I can’t think of any more stars with three names.
KEN
Stars with the same first and last initials.
LEN
Oh, oh! Parker Posey!
KEN
(to Samantha): What happened next?
SAMANTHA
He never showed up. I was sitting at that stupid restaurant and I’d worked through a bottle of merlot and I wanted to scream. And then I went home and I did scream—at the walls, at the air, I screamed, “I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!” And...and, Rene Russo!
LEN
Michael Jackson cheated on you with Rene Russo?
KEN
Shut up, Len. Did he show up at your apartment that night?
SAMANTHA
No.
KEN
Did he call the next day?
SAMANTHA
No.
KEN
Well, what happened? You just...never talked to him again?
SAMANTHA
No.
LEN
Janis Joplin!
KEN
Len, shut up. Janis Joplin is dead.
LEN
So?
KEN
He must have had some excuse...a lie, even. Something. I’m sure if you’d called him a few days later and—
SAMANTHA
—No. It was over.
LEN
Just like that, huh? Then you and Michael were no more?
SAMANTHA
Michael? No, his name was Scott.
LEN
I thought we were talking about Michael Jackson! People, can we focus on one topic here? Who the hell is Scott? And why...why does that name remind me of cotton balls?
KEN
We should kill this Scott guy for you.
SAMANTHA
That won’t be necessary.
LEN
I wanted to kill Jason when I ran into him outside a Taco Bell and he was wearing that ridiculous shirt. I would have killed him, if I’d been brave enough.
Long pause.
KEN
That was one hell of a lie, Samantha. You made me feel a lot better about my pathetic life.
LEN
Tina Turner!
SAMANTHA
If only it were a lie...
LEN
Did you guys hear that one? It was so good! I said, “Tina Turner!” Did you guys hear?
KEN
I think the game’s over, Len.
LEN
Oh.
KEN
What do you mean, “If only it were a lie”?
SAMANTHA
Nothing. I should check on my bus.
LEN
You know, Samantha. We had a conference over there. A huddle, if you will.
KEN
Len, shut up!
LEN
What? It’s true! Ken looked at you and said, “Check her out. Bet she’s got a story to tell.” Because it’s this thing he does, getting stories out of people to glorify his own life...only the thing is, he doesn’t usually do it with like, good looking girls like you. Usually it’s the the old gray-haired woman with the scraggle tooth or the crazy dude with a handle bar mustache. So I thought maybe there was something different about you. And I said, “Do it. Go talk to her. Get her story.” And Ken freaked out...he said you were too hot—
KEN
—Shut up, Len!
LEN
And I said, “You know what? She is too hot. And she’ll probably never waste her time talking to you. But it’s worth a shot, isn’t it? I mean, you haven’t gotten laid in at least a year—
KEN
—Shut the hell up, Len!
SAMANTHA
Look, I really need to go check on my bus. I really have to...I’ll see you guys around.
SAMANTHA rises from the bench and walks away. KEN looks ready to kill LEN.
LEN
Wow, dodged a bullet on that one.
KEN
What?
LEN
What, you didn’t get that totally weird vibe from her? We’ve got to start being more selective about who we talk to at the bus station, Ken. There are some real weirdos out there.
KEN
I thought she was really sweet. I thought she was—
LEN
—Okay, back to me. The point is, the point is...
LEN has picked up the paper and become engrossed, losing his train of thought for a moment. Finally he looks up from the paper.
LEN
Ken.
KEN
What, Len?
LEN
KEN!
KEN
WHAT, LEN?
LEN
Ken, look at this!
KEN
What?
LEN points to something in the newspaper. KEN reads out loud.
KEN
Thursday, 10:55 PM...Died of a single gunshot wound to the chest...Scott Lewis.
Long pause.
KEN
You don’t think that’s...
LEN
What did she tell you?
KEN
Nothing. We were just making up lies.
LEN
Did she you tell you this Scott guy’s last name?
KEN
He was a fictitious character!
LEN
Right. So you’re trying to tell me that this Samantha girl, that she’s, that she’s...
SAMANTHA re-enters.
LEN
...Back.
SAMANTHA
I missed my bus. I was talking to you guys for so long...
KEN
I’m sorry. I know you had something, uh, important to attend to...right?
SAMANTHA
Yeah, well, I can catch the next one.
KEN
So what was it, exactly, that you said you had to take care of again?
SAMANTHA
Oh, nothing. I mean, I don’t want to bore you with it. I think my lies are more interesting than my truths.
KEN
Really? Because I’d actually be very interested to know—
LEN
—So Samantha, did you think of any more stars with the same first and last initial?
SAMANTHA
Um, well. I hadn’t really thought about it in the two minutes since I last saw you.
LEN
Well, this is a fast-paced game. You should try to keep up.
KEN
So, what was Scott’s last name?
LEN
Ken, shut up!
KEN
Go ahead, Samantha, enlighten us. What was his last name?
Long pause.
SAMANTHA
McCaughnahay.
KEN
Scott McCaughnahay?
SAMANTHA
What? No. That actor—what’s his first name? Michael? He was in that one movie—
LEN
—Matthew!
SAMANTHA
Yeah! Matthew McCaugnahay.
LEN
Good one!
KEN
Isn’t that your next bus?
SAMANTHA
Oh, yeah. That didn’t take long. All right, well, for real this time...
KEN
Bye Samantha.
LEN
Take care.
SAMANTHA leaves again. LEN and KEN sit in silence for a few moments.
LEN
Geez, you had to be all pushy about it. Couldn’t just let it drop, could you?
KEN
Do you think it was true?
LEN
What?
KEN
The lie. I mean, do you think it was really the truth? Or was it just part of the game?
LEN
Isn’t life a game?
KEN
Shut up, Len. I’m serious.
LEN
So am I. Whether she was making that stuff up or whether she was with that Scott Lewis guy...it doesn’t matter. Aren’t we all just walking this fine line that somehow exists halfway between honesty and dishonesty? It’s like the more we struggle against the truth, the more we become part of the lie, and vice versa...until eventually, there is no truth. And there are no lies. There’s just...darkness.
KEN
Wow, when you put it like that—
LEN
—I mean, there you are, sitting in the jungle with your pet elephant, snacking on bananas and spinach, daydreaming about Robert Downey Jr., and all of a sudden it just hits you, this sense of darkness. You know?
KEN
Len, as usual, I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. But I’m going to let it go this time because I’m too exhausted to make fun of you anymore.
LEN
Fair enough.
Long pause.
LEN
So, Matthew McCaughnahay. Do you think...
KEN
Forget it, Len. Out of your league.
Lights fade out and scene ends.
